therapy

When we wake up to the here and now – we wake up to life.

Far too often we live in a sort of trance, mindlessly going through the motions and playing out the scripts that have been handed to us by family, society and prior conditioning. Or, we have become slaves to our passions to the point where too much of our experience is characterized by obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors.

Yes, you may be aware that this is exactly what many spiritual teachings and practices have sought to remedy over the millennia. But “knowing” that is not going to help you; it is still up to each of us to reorganize and reprioritize things in our lived experience. Waking up is not something we can simply read about and then expect to have in our lives. It is something that must be practiced.

repetition is the mother of learning

We need to “wake up” not once, but over and over again each day, as a habit of the mind and as a relentlessly repeated exercise of our capacity for creative imagination and spontaneity. In this way, we crowd out the tendency to sleepwalk through our days; this is the shaping and re-shaping, the conditioning and re-conditioning of our minds that we need in adulthood.

Why do we need it?

Because (as I argue elsewhere) – existence requires of us that we learn and grow throughout life.

attitude adjustments

When – on a regular basis – we adjust our own attitudes and refocus where and how we are directing our attention, we create the conditions whereby we can take ‘the next right action,’ rather than automatically following some predetermined script. Our approach to life becomes more proactive and less reactive.

It is easy to forget – but it is absolutely true – that how we are participating in life in this moment has an impact on how we will be experiencing life in the next moment, and how we are participating in life today deeply conditions how we will be experiencing life tomorrow – and so on. Failing to face our fears today will make them harder to face tomorrow. The momentum that goes on in our minds, in our hearts and in our lives is undeniable.

being and becoming

Throughout life, human beings are in a continuous process of becoming, and so the thoughts we repeatedly think, the conversations we repeatedly have (with ourselves and others) and the actions we repeatedly take all add up to significantly influence the quality and the direction of, well, everything.

Life happens in an ongoing flow of moment-to-moment experiences that build upon each other. Commenting on this idea, John Dewey writes:

“…the principle of ‘continuity of experience’ means that every experience both takes up something from those which have gone before and modifies in some way the quality of those which come after.”

In other words, experience creates the ground for further experience. Thus, all our efforts toward learning and growth are not only valuable in their own right, but they are setting the stage for how we will feel, how we will function and how we will live – later today, tomorrow, next week and next year.

We do not need (nor can we create) a single extraordinary ‘light-bulb experience’ that will clarify the meaning of life or chase away life’s pain and suffering. No, instead what we need is relentlessly repeated (small and ordinary) experiences whereby we re-focus our attention and energy on the here and now and bring ourselves back into the present moment. Centering ourselves is a priceless activity that helps us – over time – to see everything differently and to make smarter decisions in our lives.

your daily practice

The benefits of a daily practice are beyond words. And, what is needed is not some elaborate belief system, nor any kind of layered bureaucracy. What is needed is simply a repeated return to your own experience, coupled with your best attempts at maintaining an open mind and an open heart.

Thus, at least six or seven times today (or more, if you can), take a moment to breathe deeply into your belly/diaphragm, and ‘check-in’ with yourself, by silently asking:

• What is going on with me right now – what am I feeling?
• What am I reacting to and where is my mind taking me?
• What thoughts and worries are coming up for me today – what are the major themes?
• What do I need to do right now, today, to take care of myself and to be of service to others?

When we practice waking up in this way (prioritizing self-care AND endeavoring to be useful to others), we shift into a conscious/creative mindset. The difference between this and the sleepwalking we usually engage in is substantial. It literally affects everything.

to wake up is to remember

Many years ago as an undergraduate, my double major was in religion and psychology. A certain professor in the religion department decided to take our class (I think it was called ‘Mysticism’) to a Hindu temple in Queens, NYC. About twenty or so of us gathered around a statue of Shiva, and we marveled at the many hands, the jeweled ornaments, the blue radiance, and the breathtaking design. At the base of the statue was a nasty looking character that Shiva was stepping on. As the professor lectured about the symbolic meaning of different aspects of the statue, one student pointed at the character under Shiva’s foot and asked, “Who is that?” In all my youthful over-confidence, I was certain that the professor would say that it was the Hindu version of Satan, that fallen angel who seeks to cause suffering and destruction in the world.

In his matter of fact way, the professor said, “Oh, that’s the demon of forgetfulness; to conquer him, we need to REMEMBER more often.”

“Remember what?” another student asked.

The professor smiled, raised his arms toward the sky and said – “to wake up!”

What principles do you live by?

Do you know?

The principles that underlie how we see ourselves, how we see the world and how we conduct our lives usually operate outside of our conscious awareness – that is, until we decide to work on understanding ourselves better.

Take a moment and think about which ideas and principles from below most accurately capture the ones you may have brought forward from childhood and young adulthood into your present life:

childhood: the good, the bad and the ugly

Principles (also referred to as basic assumptions) play a large role in guiding all of our big and small decisions – which is why becoming aware of and owning up to the ones we adhere to is so important.

Certainly the hope is that we leave childhood and go forth into the world armed with a set of principles that, more so than not, supports healthy and constructive living. Unfortunately, human life, such as it is, does not often conform so well to such hopes.

And it’s not about blaming your parents – they did the best they could with what they knew. No one gets all that they needed in childhood; you didn’t, nor did your parents when they were growing up.

Does this absolve all parents of their big and small mistakes?

No, though I’m not really into absolution anyway – I prefer more that each of us (our parents included) learn to take responsibility for the good we have done in relation to others, the ‘not so good,’ and yes, the downright terrible, when applicable.

But we cannot control whether others take responsibility for their part in things; we can only decide whether we will do so ourselves. And if we live by the principle of taking responsibility for how we have impacted on others in our relationships with them – then we set in motion a process by which we can grow beyond our smaller, pettier selves.

principles are mandatory – which ones we choose are optional

The truth is that we either choose the principles by which we will conduct our lives, or they will be chosen for us – by a combination of family tradition, consumer culture, peer pressure, biological impulses, emotional insecurities, previous trauma and injuries and more.

In my NYC therapy practice, I often help people see that there is no substitute for slowing down and reflecting regularly on the principles that they want to put (and keep) at the center of their lives. I highlight, of course, that none of us adhere perfectly to our most valued principles; it’s about progress, not perfection. The principles we seek to live by serve as important guides – as they help us sift through mountains of data and life-choices so that we can stay (relatively) true to what’s most important to us.

the organizing principles of our lives

In earlier periods of human history, the organizing principles of our lives were provided to us (spoon-fed) by culture and tradition, which is part of the reason why every other day we hear someone lamenting the “breakdown of tradition in modern society.” Yes, I too can get swept up in the sentimentality of such pronouncements – “Ah, things are not like they used to be.”

However, if we stop and think about it – the “loss of tradition” is synonymous with the fact that we are more free to think for ourselves and to take greater responsibility for our choices. YOU get to decide for yourself which principles you will put at the center of your life – based on what YOU believe is important, what your priorities are, what you will and will not participate in, how you expect to be treated by others, how you will conduct your life, etc.

Does this freedom place a greater burden on us?

Yes indeed.

In Escape from Freedom, Erich Fromm outlines the various ways in which we humans seek to escape from this freedom, precisely because it can be so burdensome. He humbles us by pointing out the ways in which we want, on some level, for some person or institution to just give us the damn answers to life’s big questions so we can stop stressing and just relax.

Alas – life requires something different from us in contemporary times. It requires a deep, serious and sustained exploration of our own hearts – and of the world – to decide who we are going to be and how we are going to live. Lifelong learning is no longer optional.

Of course this brings to mind Socrates’ maxim about the importance of living an examined life.

Is living an examined life a good principle to live by?

That’s for you to decide.