Archive for April 2012

emotional habits & cbt

It is commonly said that human beings are creatures of habit.

Usually, this characterization is used in reference to our behavior—though we’ve realized in recent years that how we think is also habitual. Since we all know that how we think has much to do with how we feel, a valuable question to ask ourselves is, What are my emotional habits?

What are emotional habits?

There are two dimensions to emotional habits:

  1. How we generally feel, day to day, as we go about the business of living our lives.
  2. How we emotionally react (over and over again) to specific situations/events that occur in our lives.

Thoughts and emotions cannot be separated; they are happening in tandem during virtually every moment of life. In other words, to be human is to be in a state of continuous thinking and feeling—and the subtle dynamics of that ongoing subjective experience are, in part, habitual.

the habits of anxiety, depression, anger, irritability, helplessness, sadness, jealousy, fear, worry, etc.

If we find ourselves repeatedly feeling worried and obsessive about what others think of us, or fearful about what our future holds, or depressed and jealous about how our lives compare to others’—it can be said that we’ve habituated ourselves into these repeating patterns.

This is not to ‘blame’ ourselves or to minimize the impact of real events and situations in our lives. My point is to put us in the driver’s seat and say that if we’ve habituated ourselves into these patterns, it follows that we can re-habituate ourselves out of them and into other/healthier patterns.

Clients I see for therapy in Manhattan, NYC often ask for CBT focused help around these issues, which I am happy to provide.

beware of oversimplifying CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)

CBT is of enormous benefit to individuals all over the world, and to the mental health field in general. However, the oversimplified statement (as it is appears in media sound-bites) that you can change your thinking and change your life can distort the true substance and value of CBT and the related methods of psychotherapy it has inspired.

Why?

Because it implies that changing your thinking is a simple and easy thing (like changing your shampoo or something). Also, it can lead one to the false belief that once you ‘change your thinking,’ the job is done. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Becoming change agents with respect to our own habits of thinking and feeling is akin to learning and mastering a musical instrument, which I’ll speak to a minute.

First, one more point about the potential to oversimplify CBT. Let’s look at this often heard idea:

What matters most is not what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens to us.

I couldn’t agree more. However, it is important that we take it a step further and clarify that our INITIAL response/reaction to ‘things’ is not nearly as important as how we respond over time—over the course of the hour, day, week, month and year.

In the moment we might blow up, shut down, freak out, minimize, not care, fall apart, have a panic attack, etc. Ok, fine, but THEN what do we do? And THEN…what do we do after that? And so on.

My point is that what matters most are not the discrete moments but the ongoing (and always imperfect) process of endeavoring to live well. In pursuit of this, it is helpful if we ask ourselves:

Is my basic orientation towards life centered around continuously seeking to learn and grow from life’s challenges and complexities?

-or-

Am I living a more reactive life that involves blaming others, avoiding responsibility and regularly complaining that things are not as I would like them to be?

changing habits of thought & emotion is like learning to play the guitar

Becoming someone who can play the guitar (which I do) is lifelong learning, and I think most would agree that it is ideally pursued as a labor of love. To my mind, the same is true for learning to change our thinking and our emotional habits.

Yes, there are ‘techniques’ we employ in our efforts to learn any musical instrument. However, the most important aspect of learning to master an instrument is NOT the techniques or tricks, nor is it the method of instruction, nor even the quality of the teacher. What matters most is the level of passion and interest the student brings to the endeavor, coupled with the amount of creative practice and performance that he/she puts in over time.

an ethic of continuous learning and growth

We’ve all been raised in a culture saturated with social cues that encourage immediate gratification and a quick-fix mentality. Thus, it is no wonder that we have developed an over-reliance on tricks, tips and the “newest cutting edge techniques.”

In truth, they don’t deliver the goods; what actually works in learning anything worthwhile is practicing the basics over and over and over, while creatively building off of the incremental increases in knowledge and skill.

The ethic of “pulling all-nighters” and “cramming” for tests does not serve us well in the school of life; what truly counts in this domain is serious and sustained commitment to values and practices that serve us and others well.

relationship & couples therapy

The emotional and psychic pain brought on by problems in relationships can be devastating.

The intensity of the stress stems from the fact that our romantic relationships are where our hearts and minds naturally go for sustenance and shelter in this harsh and fragmented world of ours. When this primary support system breaks down, when relating with our partners is more a source of tension and frustration than it is comfort and nourishment, then we are that much more insecure – in our homes, in the world and in our own skin.

There are many dimensions to the relationship and couples therapy that I provide in my Manhattan therapy practice, but for today, I want to address an issue that must be dealt with effectively at the outset of relationship and couples therapy:

How do we deal with the past and the intense feelings that go with it?

owning the past (but not living in it)

To take ownership of (but not live in) the past means that we take what has been good and bring it forward, while learning to let go of, and grow beyond, the relational patterns that have been producing so much hurt and pain.

This approach involves helping couples to begin cultivating certain skills and attitudes at the outset of therapy. These include:

  1. Constructive communication – self-expression of thoughts and feelings that is honest and real, while also being constructive and forward moving. This is radically different than the ‘attack/defend mode’ of communication that couples often fall into as a result of feeling hurt, angry, frustrated and hopeless.
  2. Taking responsibility – the attitude and perspective that each partner in a relationship needs to adopt, which states that “the problem” is NOT your partner; it’s the negative patterns of communication and behavior that EACH PERSON plays a part in perpetuating.

As couples practice these skills and attitudes (inside and outside of therapy), they begin to have a visceral sense that – “Yes, it IS possible for us to change the negative patterns and to rebuild our connection.” As hopelessness slips away, new possibilities begin to emerge.

But before we get ahead of ourselves, we must address the emotional aspect of the past. Undoubtedly there have been disappointments, betrayals, broken promises, failed attempts to connect and exchanges of cruel sentiments. Thus, we are faced with the question:

What do we do with the feelings of anger and resentment that have accumulated as a result of all that has happened?

intense emotions about the past

When couples enter therapy, they are very often (and quite understandably) drawn toward ‘venting’ their frustrations, hurts and resentments. This is a natural response to the pain that has been created by so much conflict and distance. The intense FEELINGS that people harbor make perfect sense, but the idea that we can simply ‘get the feelings out’ without consideration of how it impacts the relationship is actually quite counter-productive.

Thus, it’s vital as a couples therapist to take great care to provide clear and supportive guidance that ensures the conversations in therapy are useful and productive – not simply more of the same fighting (i.e. attack, defend, blame, criticize, withdraw, yell, etc.) that they do at home.

Of course we are all guilty of sometimes going on the attack, criticizing and becoming defensive when we are in pain. We do this because it offers us a momentary release/reward of adrenaline and because it’s how we learned to respond to our feelings of hurt and anger. However, we pay a high price when we engage in such behaviors because they perpetuate the very dynamics that have caused so much hurt and mistrust in the first place.

And sure, couples almost always do ‘some’ venting in the therapy session, but it is remiss for any therapist to sit passively and let couples flounder in their familiar patterns. Couples come to therapy precisely because they NEED HELP TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY – a principle that I take very seriously.

managing emotions & communicating effectively

I have found over and over again that helping partners take responsibility and communicate more effectively includes helping each partner recognize and successfully manage his/her own emotional experience. This involves helping partners increase not only their emotional awareness, but also their options regarding how to handle (and give expression to) their thoughts and feelings.

I have clients ask themselves a range of questions, including:

  • What feelings do I repeatedly experience in this relationship – and what do I do with them? [Yell? Withdraw? Sulk? Get overly controlling? Get overly compliant?]
  • What do I want and need from my partner that would help me to feel safer and more secure in the relationship?
  • What are some things I do that I KNOW irritate my partner, perpetuate tension in the relationship – yet I do them anyway?
  • What are some things I can do on a regular basis to make my partner feel safer and more secure in this relationship?

Such questions, and the conversations they lead to, are just the beginning.

A priceless result of effective couples therapy is emotional growth for each partner – and the recognition that we need not stay stuck in destructive patterns, that together we can begin to make different choices and to create new realities. I’ve seen time and again that once people are sufficiently helped to develop the tools to communicate better and to stay connected to their partners, they use those tools.

The result?

The relationship gets better.

Chris Kingman | Therapy is a Manhattan-based therapy practice utilizing an integrated and fresh approach to psychotherapy
in NYC, focused on the human capacity to grow and change throughout life.

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