sadness + togetherness = resilience
The tragedy that some families have experienced from Hurricane Sandy in NYC, NY State and NJ is beyond heartbreaking. Mind-numbingly horrific is more appropriate.
One mom watched her two sons (ages 6 and 4) drift away in the flood only to have the police tell her the next day that the boys did not survive. Another mom was found in critical condition on a neighbor’s lawn after the flood washed away. Next to her was her deceased 13 year old daughter. That’s how quickly and coldly the unimaginable can happen.
how should you understand your emotions?
However you think you ‘should’ feel is somewhat irrelevant. The question is: how DO you feel? That’s the place to start.
These random losses could have happened to any of us. If none of them happened to you, it’s still normal and reasonable to feel sad, shaken and disoriented. Tragedy wakes us up quickly to our mortality and that of our loved ones. And of course we feel for others.
Arguably, it is recognition of our shared vulnerability that makes us crave and build community. Tragedy reminds us of how intensely we need each other. Thus, as I recommend to people in therapy all the time: “Do not stay alone with your difficult and painful emotions” following this tragedy. Get out of your house (and out of your head) and share, connect, listen, get support and give comfort to others.
there but for the grace of…
Maybe there is some gratitude most of us should have for the fact that we did not lose a loved one. Maybe it’s also helpful to focus on the things that DIDN’T happen, for the fact that “only” 100 people or so lost their lives (as reported thus far) during Hurricane Sandy precisely because it could have been much worse. For example, two enormous trees fell on Garfield Place in Park Slope, Brooklyn, close to where I live, and while a car or two was crushed and the sidewalk was ripped up, it seems no one was hurt. Still—even as I write this—feeling gratitude just doesn’t sit well. It feels like a betrayal because for the families who lost someone, the pain/anger/grief is palpable, powerful, raw and only just beginning.
In response to actual loss or even reminders of its imminence in our lives, we need to take time and create contexts where we can grieve together with others. Those who have lost loved ones need support. A ton of it. This is how we are built. By getting support, we are better equipped to move forward and to continue living and building even though nothing will ever be the same.
showing up for others
For those who have not been personally affected by this tragedy, it is still important to give yourself permission to feel your authentic feelings; this is intrinsic to long-term emotional health. And, it is also important to live a life where you are regularly helping and supporting others. Life is a team support, for sure.
So try to go and help someone else. Get out of yourself and reach out. Donate to victims of Sandy and/or the recovery effort—or—go and find a way to personally participate in the recovery. Or, call and connect with your loved ones and let them know what they mean to you.
The overarching truth of life is that people need you and you need them.
Chris,
A moving and on point essay of why connecting with others is vital to our existence. Tragedy is too great a pain to bear alone.
Claire