feeling the burn of emotional pain
It is widely understood that in order to grow and improve your physical body, you need to stress your system, tear up your muscles and “feel the burn” on a fairly regular basis. But is there an equivalent to growing and improving your emotional life? The general understanding around this has been less clear, though thankfully that is changing.
Life itself stresses your emotional system and tears at your emotional muscles. This we know all too well. Given that, let’s take a look at the concept of “feeling the burn” as it relates to emotional pain and emotional growth.
emotionality: a conceptual revolution
For the most part our society relates to emotional pain/discomfort as the unwanted step-child of human life. People rarely put their attention on (and consciously observe) their own emotional pain while thinking, “Yes, I’m really doing something healthy for myself.” This is unfortunate because it relegates an enormously valuable dimension of human experience to the scrap heap. It’s as if there is this precious natural resource buried on our property and we live our whole lives unaware of it, or worse, thinking of it as garbage and wishing it would go away.
One thing I often say to clients who see me for therapy in NYC (for codependency, anxiety, depression, anger management, addiction and relationship problems) is this:
| Do not passively wait for the culture of your family, or our society, to change. Instead, start seeing yourself as a change agent in your own life and in your own social environments. |
But how do we become change agents in our own emotional lives?
Like with anything we want to change/improve, it begins with adopting a beginner’s mind and deciding to look at it through a new lens.
emotionality & mindfulness
Arguably, there is nothing more valuable than cultivating the habit of bringing yourself back to the here and now and ‘seeing’ what’s in front of you with a new set of eyes. Learning (throughout life) to be emotionally present with yourself and others provides you with a whole new lens through which to experience the nuances of human relationships, and life in general. Remembering to be mindfully aware of (and connected to) yourself and others in the present moment is like putting on 3D glasses in a movie theater where everything on the screen comes to life in an entirely new way. Plugging yourself into the here and now is ordinary and electrifying at the same time, not only to the mind but to the body as well. Everything feels different, more immediate and more charged. Consciously paying attention to these feelings/emotions as they ebb and flow within you is part of what it means to feel the burn on an emotional level.
Ok, but how does this all relate to emotional pain/discomfort?
Like this: to practice mindfulness, to consciously feel, observe and ‘be present with’ your own (and others’) emotional pain/discomfort is a game-changer. It truly is. To regularly practice ‘presence’ (with self and others) while you are feeling emotional pain/discomfort is quite simply a personal revolution. Little by little, over time, it changes everything.
To enter more deeply into your own emotional pain/discomfort as it arises and to consciously/viscerally feel it on a consistent basis (rather than running, avoiding, minimizing or numbing) transforms those experiences, and transforms you and your relationships in the process, one day at a time. As Kahlil Gibran writes, “The deeper the sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?”
emotional pain can be a powerful teacher
It is an enormously wise investment to start relating to your own emotional pain/discomfort as your teacher, as something you need to learn from, as something to get closer to and as a valid/valuable/important aspect of human experience. This represents a complete paradigm shift away from the belief that you should feel embarrassed or ashamed about being in emotional pain. Being alienated and in perpetual inner conflict with one’s own emotionality truly sets the stage for the intensification of addiction, anxiety, codependency and other problems in living. Fortunately, the world of therapy in NYC and beyond is understanding this more and more as a result of developments in cognitive behavioral therapy and relational theory.
As you cultivate the habit of embracing your own emotional pain/discomfort, the unavoidable emotional challenges of daily life become a means to meaningful learning and growth in your life. But don’t take my word for it. Try it and see for yourself, through the crucible of your own experience.
And if you decide to do so, here’s a cognitive reframe that you can say to yourself whenever you so desire:
| My emotional pain/discomfort is simply a natural resource, a raw material that I am learning to be with, understand and utilize in the building of a deep, meaningful and authentic life. I refuse to be ashamed or run from it any longer, or to beat myself up over it. Emotional pain is a valid aspect of my experience just as it is for others who suffer from the same ‘condition’ that I do…the HUMAN condition. |
This is so true. I realised that my emotional life was like my cupboard under the stairs which was stuffed with everything which was left lying around;In an attempt to make everything look tidy on the surface.The trouble is that all the mess would push the door open and nothing could be found.My emotional life was much the same,everything looking nice on the outside but a total anxious and depressed mess on the inside waiting to errupt.