• Personal
• Pervasive
• Permanent

To illustrate, let’s take a look at toxic versus healthy ways of thinking about a universally difficult situation: getting fired from a job due to budget cuts. Before we do that, however, it’s important that we normalize the FEELINGS that losing a job triggers in us: fear, disorientation, anger, embarrassment, shame, etc. Such emotional experiences are universal aspects of the human condition. We all experience them at one time or another. But for some of us, the onset of such feelings produce automatic thinking patterns that are highly toxic. The development of these patterns occurs over time, often originating in childhood. Understanding the roots of our habitual thinking can be very useful—but for now, let’s just take a look at a concrete example of what the patterns themselves can look like when we lose a job:

On paper, examples such as these can seem superficial, but in experience, the differences that can be created by altering our habits/patterns of thinking are quite profound. Life changing, actually, if we make this a daily practice. Toxic habits of the mind lead to increased pain, worry, depression, anxiety and dysfunction in our lives—while healthier habits of the mind support the development of resilience, positive emotions and constructive action.

deciding to live more creatively

It is a fundamentally creative act to think about your own thinking, and to choose more constructive and life-enhancing patterns. It’s an enormously valuable use of your own personal power.

Teaching people to recognize and reframe their self-abusive, distorted and self-defeating patterns of thinking is a core aspect of what I do in my NYC therapy practice. I see over and over again that when people are given the opportunity, guidance and support to slow down, reflect on their internal dialogue and make more conscious/creative decisions about what they tell themselves—they begin to feel a new sense of confidence, calmness and clarity in their lives.

Relationships are also fundamentally creative endeavors and what we say to ourselves about our romantic partners has a profound impact on how we see and relate to them. Uncreative relationships, sooner or later, become stagnant and frustrating, and partners often fall into fault-finding—focusing on everything that is wrong with the relationship. Once we habituate ourselves into seeing the glass (or the relationship) as half-empty, the downward slope becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

lifelong learning

Like learning piano, or learning a new language, identifying and influencing your own internal dialogue takes practice, repetition and time. But once the momentum starts to shift, once constructive/creative thinking starts to become the new norm, it literally changes everything. Of course life will always be stressful and there will be relentless challenges and difficulties to face—but having increased influence over the workings of your own mind helps you to see yourself less as a victim and more as a creative agent of change in your moods, in your relationships, in your life and in the world.

Embrace emotional pain?

Yes, this can sound strange. That is, until you give it a serious try and find out for yourself that embracing (i.e. opening your heart and mind to) your own emotional pain serves to transform it from an unwanted annoyance into a crucial aspect of lifelong learning and personal growth.

pain pills for depression & anxiety?

Poor conceptualization of a problem almost guarantees that attempted solutions will fail. Haven’t our infamous “wars” on poverty and drugs shown this to be true? In a similar vein, attempts to kill emotional pain (i.e. popping painkillers for depression, anxiety, irritability, loneliness, stress, etc.) are actually the surest ways to exacerbate and perpetuate the pain and all its negative consequences.

The truth is that depressive, anxious and other negative feelings are normal and unavoidable aspects of life, and we must learn to recognize and process them effectively on an ongoing basis. Process them? But how? That is a major aspect of what therapy is all about. The short answer is that we manage our moods most healthily via (1) the nature of our ongoing internal dialogues, and (2) the quality and dynamics of our closest relationships. Yes, there are many more factors, but these are the two main columns.

If we fail to cultivate sufficient mood management skills (sometimes called emotional regulation skills), and instead we try to rigidly control (or kill!) our negative feelings—then our negative feelings will progressively increase in occurrence, duration and intensity. It is this snowball effect that leads people, over time, to a level of suffering where they begin to meet the criteria for the medical disorders of Major Depression or Generalized Anxiety. In other words, what begins as kindling can turn into a raging fire if not handled effectively. Thus, working with people who see me for therapy in NYC for depression and anxiety (or anger management) always involves helping them develop reliable strategies for identifying and neutralizing negative feelings in the early stages, before they’ve grown into bigger issues.

mindfulness & acceptance: key tools for emotional growth

The science of attachment theory shows us that infant development is greatly aided by the repetition of mom and dad’s loving interactions with the child. This is common sense on the one hand, but at the same time from a scientific perspective we are only in the very earliest stages of understanding the physiological mechanisms underlying the amazing process by which love and warmth aid the development of the human brain, nervous system and personality.

I bring this up because very similar mysteries exist with regard to why and how practicing mindfulness and acceptance not only neutralizes emotional pain, but also helps human beings to learn and grow (to develop wisdom and maturity) from it. Even though the brain mechanisms are currently unclear to us, more and more psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in NYC (and beyond) are realizing that the most consistent and reliable pain reliever (for emotional pain) starts with the practice of being present with whatever you feel while assuming an attitude of good will toward yourself. From this place we can much more easily seek social support, reflect on our attitudes, take constructive actions and practice a higher level of self-care than when we are engaged in the turmoil of an internal war.

life requires continuous emotional growth

Stop trying to kill painful feelings. It doesn’t work. Rather than produce intrapersonal or interpersonal harmony, it leads to increased conflict within and without. Emotional pain is a resource—it is your body’s way of reminding you that you need to grow. When we humans fail to do the personal growth work required of us, we miss out on cultivating that priceless sense of self-efficacy (what some call self-mastery) that underlies optimal living and healthy relationships.

Think of it this way: it is a counter-intuitive (but uncontroversial) truth that when circumstances are such that we’d expect ourselves to panic (like a fire in a theatre), it’s exactly when we need to NOT panic so that we have the wherewithal to take effective action toward safety. Similarly, when feelings are such that we’d expect that we’d want to kill them, it’s exactly when we most need to intervene with ourselves in a spirit of compassionate self-acceptance.

How many times have you found yourself in a state of wanting what you don’t want to be wanting? Too many to count? Welcome to the human condition.

What is your “drug of choice”: beer? hard liquor? pot? other drugs? cake? ice cream? other foods? gambling? online flirting? sexting? flirting at work? anonymous sex? porn? shopping? online gaming? contact with an ex-lover? pain pills? mindless tv? The list goes on.

An important thing to note here is that none of these things are intrinsically bad. In fact each of them can play quite a nice role in one’s life if handled in a balanced way. What’s “bad” (i.e. self-defeating & destructive to human relationships) is when we develop an obsessive/compulsive (addictive) relationship with any one (or more) of them.

why do you want the things that you don’t want to want?

The reason you want the things that you don’t want to want is simple: you have had a variety of experiences where your drug provided you with instant gratification, positive mood alteration (intoxication) and temporary relief from anxiety, restlessness, boredom, depression and/or fear. Make no mistake—both your mind and body remember these experiences very well. Thus, you have conditioned yourself to where whenever you feel ‘negative feelings’ you immediately start itching for that which you don’t want to want.

Of course the complication is that “drugs” are very temporary solutions to the complex emotional pain and discomfort that is unavoidable in adult life. Most importantly, they provide such an easy/quick solution that you don’t get the opportunity to exert effort towards building the emotional and psychological muscles that are needed to help you deal naturally/healthily with negative feelings. Each time you escape your feelings by getting a fix from your drug, you are depriving yourself of an opportunity to learn to manage/influence your own moods and attitudes from within. Dependence on the drug grows. You know the rest of that story…

want therapy in NYC?

Nobody wants therapy for its own sake. What we humans want is healing, growth, love, connection, competence, confidence, etc. We want to feel and live better—internally and externally. Therapy can be a great tool in that endeavor, but it is certainly not the only option.

When people do choose to see me for therapy (for anxiety, obsessions, compulsions, depression, codependency, addiction or anger management)—I engage them early on in a conversation about what they truly want in their lives, beyond the short term gratifications and quick fixes that they may be caught up in. Sometimes people don’t even know what they want in the big picture. In such situations we start there and the therapy helps them to start creating a vision for their lives. Thus begins the process of growing out of old habits of living and into new ones that enhance life on a variety of different levels.

want better relationships?

What I find in my therapy practice is that what people really want almost always involves finding/creating/building more love into their lives: deeper interpersonal connections, more mutually satisfying relationships with others, better relationship to self, less interpersonal conflict, less social anxiety, more comfort within one’s own skin, etc.

It often seems to me that Martin Buber’s maxim that “all real living is meeting” is somehow built into the human condition. People seem to just intuitively realize at one point or another in their lives that what matters most is the quality of the relationships we have—with others and with ourselves. This may be the primary ‘want’ that is most worth pursuing in life, because without a network of mutually satisfying relationships, everything else is bound to feel empty.

want a new understanding of wanting?

So, whenever you find yourself wanting what you don’t want to be wanting—try to stop, pause, take a breath and remind yourself that what you are REALLY wanting is to be connected to another person. You are wanting the comfort that comes from that primordial human experience of togetherness. Recurrent experiences of restlessness, boredom and anxiety are your body’s signals telling you that you are too emotionally isolated in your life. And drugs only deepen the isolation, over time.

This conscious recognition of your deep existential need for interpersonal intimacy is an important part of changing how you understand and relate to your own experience of “wanting.” If you remind yourself of this daily, then one day at a time it can give you more clarity about (and influence over) what choices you make, what you prioritize and how you live your life overall.

Isn’t that something you want?

I’m stealing this title from The Varieties of Religious Experience (1902) by William James. And yes, the comparison between ‘religious’ and ‘addictive’ is purposeful. Suffice it to say that it is not incidental that liquor stores advertise “wine and spirits,” and that both religion and addictive (intoxicating) behaviors are ‘places’ people go to for comfort, solace and transcendence of the ordinary.

But I’ll leave that investigation for another time.

In this moment, I’m thinking about the concept (rather than the experience) of addiction, and I’m doing so from the perspective of being an NYC therapist whose life’s work revolves around helping people to overcome and grow beyond self-defeating patterns of thinking and behavior.

a short history of the human tendency to lose control

As we endeavor to wrap our heads around the concept of “addiction,” it is valuable to remind ourselves that we human beings have been failing miserably in our attempts to control ourselves for the past—oh, let’s say—3000 years or so:

• In ancient Greek lore, Ulysses (the main character of Homer’s Odyssey) decides to tie himself to the mast of his ship because without that external constraint he knows that he will succumb to the temptations of the sirens—those seductive creatures who were well known to lead many a man toward his demise.
• In the Bible, Romans 7:15 (New International translation), St. Paul says, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do—but what I hate, I do.”
• During medieval times, religious institutions served as the primary arbiters of what was good (healthy) and bad (unhealthy)—and thus the reigning narrative about compulsive/obsessive/self-destructive behaviors seemed to revolve around the idea that “the devil made me do it.”
• Over the course of the enlightenment period and into the industrial revolution era, human behavior that was obsessive/compulsive/self-destructive—particularly related to alcohol and narcotics use—increasingly began to be addressed by the medical community under the umbrella of the medical model.

I am being flippant of course when I say that we humans have “failed miserably” in our attempts to control ourselves, etc. The real story is much more complex, and I see it on a daily basis in my work as a therapist in NYC. We human beings can obviously control ourselves, but inevitably there are times when we don’t, when we go against our own commitments and promises to ourselves (and others).

Who hasn’t had the experience of getting caught up in patterns of thinking and behavior that lead to deep regret and shame? Such experiences often hurt loved ones as well as self, and certainly exacerbate depression, anxiety, hopelessness and emotional isolation. Whether I work on these issues with people in couples therapy or individual therapy—the healing process always needs to be based on an honest recognition that things have gotten out of control.

being out of control is getting out of control

The modern concept of addiction (as a bio-psycho-social-spiritual condition) came into existence specifically in relation to the abuse of (and dependence on) alcohol and narcotics over the past 200 years, approximately. During the past 50 years or so, however, the word “addiction” has increasingly been used to describe our obsessive/compulsive/self-defeating behaviors in relation to a wide range of other things including: gambling, debt, sex, clutter, food, cigarettes, love, video games, under-earning, work, anger, codependency, sugar, pornography, social media, shopping and more. Some even refer to our country as being “addicted to oil” from the Middle East.

Given the explosion in the number of addictions that are said to be afflicting so many people, one might be unable to resist (pun intended) speculating that we, as a culture, are addicted to creating new addictions.

How shall we understand this?

language is contextual & ever-changing, not universal & absolute

To understand how the concept of addiction is currently being used in our society, we must remind ourselves that ALL concepts are complex social phenomena that serve a variety of functions and are multi-faceted in their meanings. This is as true for the concept of addiction as it is for other concepts that inform our lives, including love, marriage, universe, god, energy, depression, knowledge, justice, etc. If we look at the historical development of these concepts, we find that they too have been (and to continue to be) used to denote different ‘things’ over time.

Let’s take “marriage,” for instance. It used to mean the legal union between a man and a woman, but now it (thankfully!) means, in many states (and soon to be in all states), the legal union of two consenting adults. “Justice” used to include the idea that one should treat slaves with respect and that only white/male/landowners could vote. Over time the concept of justice came to mean (in part) the eradication of slavery and that (almost) all adults have the right to vote. And let’s not forget that the earliest conception of “the universe” (with the earth at the center and the planets orbiting it in perfect circular motion) bears no resemblance to what we understand today as the universe.

Actually, perhaps the example that most drives this point home for me comes from a few years back when the astronomical community came together to decide that Pluto was no longer going to be considered a planet!

Huh?

Yes, even the concept of “planet” is subject to revision, as current doctrine excludes Pluto and says that there are 8 major planets, rather than the 9 we all learned about in school.

Strange indeed…but such is the nature of how concepts function in human life.

labels can help, but real help transcends labels

So—back to our discussion about addiction. Now that we have normalized the ever-changing nature of concepts—where does that leave us with respect to getting help for ourselves and loved ones, or giving help to people we work with?

Two thoughts on this:

1. There is value to the philosophical analysis of language as I’ve done in this blog entry, but it is a completely different activity from actually sitting with a suffering person and providing help, guidance and support—as I do on a daily basis in my work as a therapist in NYC. Philosophical analysis often has a detached and overly intellectualized quality, but genuinely helping someone in pain is completely different. It is authentic, down to earth and personal.
2. There are many wonderful addiction therapists in NYC that I’ve collaborated with over the years, and we’ve all worked with people who hate the word “addiction” because to them it sounds/feels like an unhelpful “label.” If you’re one of these people, you need to know that hating labels is totally fine; you can still get lots of help. To keep it simple—if you feel that things in your life have gotten a bit (or a lot) out of control, then go talk to an NYC addiction therapist, or attend a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous—or any 12-Step group that pertains to what you’re struggling with. It’s just a group of normal people coming together to help and support each other. Labels are completely optional.

*A first draft of this article was published on 11/3/12, at wearetherealdeal.com

—Marshall McLuhan

One primary engine of the modern world is the selling of things, services and ideas. Enormous problems arise for us when we fail to recognize the insidiousness of the advertisements/messages that are directed at us on a daily basis, relentlessly vying for (and consistently winning) our attention.

In today’s world we are all exceedingly vulnerable to internalizing the thoughts, beliefs and feelings that advertising agencies and marketing departments endeavor to induce into us. Make no mistake—they are a skilled, experienced, hungry, well-organized and well-funded bunch, and the more effective they are, the more money they make. Thus, they have no problem working overtime to ingeniously craft and deliver messages that will cause you to want/believe certain things, or more importantly, to feel insecure, inadequate and defective if you don’t have/believe them. No, I am not a conspiracy theorist; in fact, such ideas about modern consumerist society have been thoroughly researched and well documented by a number of academics and/or writers, including:

Juliet B. Schor “Born to Buy: The Commercialized Child and the New Consumer Culture”
Alissa Quart “Branded: The Buying and Selling of Teenagers”
Stuart Ewan “Captains of Consciousness: Advertising and the Social Roots of Consumer Culture”

Fascinating, enlightening and often disturbing stuff.

thou shalt want what we want you to want

Behavioral psychology was by far the dominant school of psychology (in universities and professional scientific journals) throughout the early to mid 20th century, and the father of this movement is generally thought to be John Watson. In 1922, he left his academic research position at Johns Hopkins University to work in advertising, and ended up becoming a vice president at the J. Walter Thompson advertising agency. Of course it’s a free country, and he had every right to follow the money. I only wish to highlight that it shocks the mind a bit when you begin to appreciate the sophistication and scientific precision of the methods that have been used over the past 90 years. Used for what? To influence and shape what we want, what we prioritize, what we expect in life, how we see ourselves and how we relate to each other—all from a profit-seeking and competitive (rather than humanistic) perspective.

Sociologists might ask, “What impact has this had on the development of modern society?” As a therapist in NYC helping clients with depression, anxiety, anger management and codependency, I talk to many of them about (1) the culture of perfectionism/shame that the world of marketing/advertising/media often promotes; (2) how those influences get internalized by each of us; (3) how such toxic influences intersect with and get filtered to us via family dynamics (as parents are not immune to such influences); and (4) how to undo and unlearn the self-defeating patterns of thinking and behavior that grow out of this cesspool of perfectionism/shame and how to replace them with healthy habits of thought and action.

thou shalt pursue perfection (via our products)

Unsurprisingly, the so-called beauty and weight loss industry stands out as a particularly pernicious example of this phenomenon. Basically its implicit message is: “You’re not lovable or acceptable, but you could be if you buy these products.” Let’s remember that the daily obsession of any industry is to perpetuate itself, to survive and thrive. To do this, each industry must make itself important and relevant by carving out space in our hearts and minds for its brands, narratives, messages, and of course, its products and services.

For example, when I see “acne-reducing” commercials for “skin-care” products, I get nauseous. This innocuous bodily process has been dramatized and demonized beyond belief and turned into something akin to a plague. The dread and horror that young people (especially young women) are made to feel about developing acne causes untold amounts of unnecessary stress and anguish. Yes, I went through some hell in this regard as a teenager back in the early 80s, but modern teens and young adults have much more to contend with than I did because today’s media is so much more relentless, well-organized, smart and pervasive—and it reaches into every aspect of modern life, 24/7, constantly reminding teens and young adults that they are “less than…unacceptable…not lovable…ugly…fat” and all the other nonsense that vulnerable young people are brainwashed into believing. Really sad.

thou shalt be alone forever (unless you buy our products)

Most images and ads from the beauty and weight loss industry play upon the human need to be accepted and loved. Advertising/marketing theorists are well versed not only in behaviorism but also evolutionary psychology, systematically seeking to capitalize on the unconscious human fear of being cast-out or banished by the tribe, arguably the most primitive and fundamental fear we humans have. Thus, almost all ads can be boiled down to:

using mindfulness to deconstruct media

We cannot control at all what messages/narratives the advertising and marketing worlds seek to direct at us. And we have only partial control over how often we are exposed to such messages. But we absolutely do have much control (if we so desire) over what we DO with the media messages that we encounter and what we DO with the automatic reactions (i.e. thoughts and feelings) they produce in us. As the saying goes, “We cannot control what happens to us, but we CAN control how we choose to respond.”

To uncritically ingest and consume the dizzying array of modern media is to lose our souls. Thus it is of the utmost importance that our daily lives include a serious practice of being mindfully aware, as often as we can, of what thoughts and feelings are arising in us in response to modern media. When we see their images and hear their messages, we need to simultaneously be aware of how they impact on us, by pausing and reflecting:

Self-awareness is key, but it is equally important to grow in awareness and understanding of the world and how it works. Personal learning and growth in these ways sets the foundation for taking responsibility at a new level for creating a mature and conscious relationship with all aspects of our social environments—rather than being passive pawns in (or victims of) other people’s agendas.