When Jennifer and I met in our twenties, we essentially got into a relationship on day one.
As you can imagine, it was intoxicating. Those situations feel incredible. Until they don’t.
When I met her, she was still living in the aftermath of a messy breakup. I tried to ignore that reality, but her recurring sadness and distance frightened me more than I could admit. Of course, I didn’t feel or express fear. I felt and expressed anger.
One morning we woke up and went to a diner for breakfast. I remember pancakes. I remember the comfort of an ordinary morning after a fun night out. It felt like things were good again.
During breakfast she said, gently, “I need to be honest with you. I met up for coffee with my ex to process and try to get closure.”
I took a deep breath and said, in a tone that must have felt like ice,
“After this, after we leave here, you and I will never speak again.”
Then I calmly continued eating my pancakes. No visible emotion. No crack in the surface.
She burst into a crying panic.
I became colder and colder.
Of course, we did speak again. In fact, we barely left each other’s side after that. Moments like this can fuse people together even as they demolish trust beneath the surface.
At the time, in those moments, I did not understand any of this.
I only knew that I would not deprive myself of the pancakes and that I despised her.
The Human Dilemma in Relationships
What comes most naturally to us in moments of emotional injury is self-protection.
Yet the very moves that protect us inflict serious injury on our partners.
And still, life keeps moving.
So we bury the wreckage and continue forward.
A Seasoned Couples Therapist
When moments like that diner conversation now unfold in my therapy office, I see what I could not see then.
Pattern recognition is the result of many years of sitting with real couples in real pain.
I do not see bad people, or abstract theories, I see awesome humans living out the survival strategies they learned along the way.
So when one partner goes cold while the other spirals into panic, I don’t flinch.
I know what is happening. And I feel for them. My heart opens instead of closing. I slow the room down. Over and over. All of us as couples need that in couples therapy, because the negative feedback cycles often happen in rapid fire burst like a machine gun. So much damage can be done literally in an eight second exchange.
It is an honor to help couples contain what feels to them like emotional nuclear fallout.
And when people feel a therapist remain calm, respectful, caring and confident even in the presence of their most destructive reactivity, something begins to soften.
Shame loosens and defensiveness eases. Confusion turns into the beginnings of understanding.
And the compassion-based truth begins to appear:
We are not monsters in relationships.
We are wounded people using the only protection we currently know.
Three Essential Truths for Your Relationship
- What we call dysfunction was once protection.
Emotional reactivity works like a reflex, like blinking when something rushes toward your eyes.
Every withdrawal.
Every explosion.
Every desperate protest.
These began as intelligent attempts to protect against injury and hurt.
They started as self-preservation.
Until, over time, they became prisons.
What we need is not shame.
What we need is help to heal and outgrow what once kept us safe.
- Self-compassion is not a luxury, it is a necessity
Most of us believe harsh self-judgment will make us better partners, better people.
It doesn’t work. It does the opposite.
Shame creates defensiveness.
Defensiveness fuels reactivity.
Reactivity damages connection.
Without self-compassion, real change is almost impossible.
Because the parts of us that most need healing are the exact parts we keep attacking.
Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook.
It is the safety that makes growth possible.
- Effective couples therapy generates deep self-compassion as the foundation for change
People assume couples therapy is mainly about communication skills.
Those matter. But something deeper is happening.
When a seasoned therapist holds the space with care and compassion, even as you and your partner react from fear and pain, your nervous system begins to learn something new.
You can be seen clearly and treated with total respect and dignity.
Your reactivity has meaning. It did not appear out of nowhere. It was shaped long ago as protection, and it has simply outlived its usefulness.
And slowly, another truth becomes possible to feel:
Deep repair of relational ruptures is real.
Change is possible.
What Changes Over Time
If I could go back to that diner now, I would sit down across from that young couple, turn to him and say,
“You have felt so incredibly excited to meet her, and be with her, and you are terrified of losing her.
You don’t know how to show fear and hurt, so you show ice instead. You deserve compassion for how excruciating the pain inside you is right now”.
Then I would turn to her and say,
“You too have felt so excited to meet him, and it’s so admirable that you are trying to be honest, while still struggling with the grief and confusion from your breakup. And yet you fear losing this new relationship. You are carrying a lot, and you deserve compassion for how heavy it all feels”.
And then I would look at both of them together and say,
“Neither of you is the villain. You are two wounded, amazing humans, reaching for love and dealing with complicated feelings with the only tools you’ve been given. Welcome to relationships. It can be really hard, but you’re not alone, this is what we all go through. If you’re ready to do some work, and learn some new tools, you can start feeling a lot better very soon.”
