My embarrassing rage attacks
My rage attacks in my marriage were not always loud or dramatic. Sometimes they were. More often they took the form of cold withdrawal, passive-aggressive sarcasm or the silent irritation that unmistakenly sends messages of contempt to others.
For example, on a cold December day in Brooklyn as my wife, our kids, and my mother-in-law shopped for a Christmas tree, something triggered me (I cannot recall what it was) and I quietly but aggressively strode away in a huff, leaving them all to complete the task without me. Was it loud? No. Was the message of contempt and rejection clear? Yes. These moments leave a mark on everyone. And afterward, I of course hated myself for them. But I was even more upset that they made me act in this way. My deeply held belief was: “if they didn’t do X, I wouldn’t have to do Y”. Insanity, I know, but such is the default setting of the human mind when we feel injured and we become emotionally reactive: blame others.
Emotional-Relational Pain Is Visceral
When my marriage felt like it was falling apart, I felt as if acid was being released in every cell of my body.
Stomach knots.
Muscle aches.
A tight vice grip around my skull and brain.
Sometimes I felt determined to repair things. But then the dread would return and I’d feel sure the relationship was over. Our minds try to find stability while the emotional ground keeps moving. The mix of fear, grief, anger, and despair rarely falls into neat categories, and so we feel both like we’re on a lonely highway and at a chaotic intersection at the same time.
Hell on the Inside
Every couple who stays together long enough will encounter these painful internal patterns. The real chaos begins in the private world of feelings, sensations, and the stories we tell ourselves about our partners and about ourselves.
- Sue Johnson describes how disconnection triggers a reactivity cycle. One partner feels abandoned and protests, while the other feels overwhelmed and pulls away. Inside each person, the mind starts spinning stories of danger, rejection, or failure.
- Terry Real writes about normal marital hatred, those moments when the inner dialogue turns sharp and vicious, when you cannot stand the person you love and your self-talk casts you as the wounded party and them as the villain.
- John and Julie Gottman describe criticism and contempt, the small but corrosive thoughts of superiority that take root inside us, shaping the way we interpret every gesture, tone, or mistake.
These inner experiences are toxic. They shake the foundation of the relationship long before a single word is spoken out loud.
Hell on the Outside
Just as physical pain triggers reflexive withdrawal, emotional pain triggers reactive behaviors. What begins as an internal storm of fear, hurt, and hostile self-talk inevitably spills outward.
We lash out.
We shut down.
We grow distant, cold, sarcastic, or resigned.
These habits of emotional reactivity are our attempts to manage the inner chaos. They help us feel momentarily less exposed, less powerless. But they always backfire. They hurt us and the person we care about. They turn our private fear into relational harm. They reinforce the story that the marriage is unsafe. They confuse survival with strength and leave both partners more alone than before.
Why This Matters
Your habits of emotional reactivity can destroy what matters most. Not because you are bad, but because when you’re scared, overwhelmed, and hurting, these habits take the wheel. They speak for you before you know what’s happening.
The turning point begins the moment you commit to interrupting, rather than automatically indulging, these habits. That small moment of interruption is the doorway into being emotionally sober in your relationship. It is where clarity returns. It is where repair becomes possible. It is where a different story can finally begin.
